TENNIS STAR FAILS DRUG TEST

 

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Via ESPN- Maria Sharapova announced Monday that she failed a drug test at the Australian Open in January.

She said she received a letter from the International Tennis Federation on Wednesday but has not yet found out what her penalty will be. The ITF confirmed the failed drug test and said Sharapova would be provisionally suspended until the case is finalized.

Okay, first of all Sharapova is a bonafide star. She has 5 Grand Slam titles which is only behind the Williams sisters (those freaks won’t be beat). Second, she’s a total babe. Maria “Smokeshow” Sharapova failed a drug test for taking Meldonium. So what the girl failed a measly drug test? When you’re hot, I say do whatever the hell you want.

Meldonium is a blood-flow-promoting drug banned because it helps oxygen uptake and endurance.

Hold up,  you’re telling me we got people beating the piss out of their girlfriend/boyfriend, dudes with Testosterone levels fit for a Rhino, and JFF poppin eardrums; and you wanna come at me with “Sharapova fails drug test”? Na, fuck that. Maria Sharapova does what she pleases. And Meldonium? Give me a break you bunch of sissies. I’m sure the people who decided Meldonium should be banned recycle mouthwash.  It would be different if the tennis hottie was rippin nose clams, or plunging a needle into her arm. But to help her blood-flow? Geeze. The poor girl is probably gonna lose all of her endorsements which would probably end her decorated career on a real shitty note. I mean a real shitty note. Like a note in middle school from your crush telling you to scram, or a note plastered to your door saying you’ve been evicted. But I think at the end of the day she’ll probably be okay.

Sharapova is super loaded, still an amazing athlete, and drop dead gorgeous. There are a few things in life I’m absolutely sure about. Without a shadow of doubt I know that cinnamon rolls rock, nose always goes, and Sharapova is the shit. I say let her live her life and let her flow her blood.

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WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS: SHITTY TOILET PAPER

Just like the rest of the work force, I spend around 8 hours in the office everyday Monday-Friday. This means us working men and women probably spend more time (not including sleep) at the office than we do in the comfort of my home on weekdays. Now I have worked multiple jobs in high school, several internships, and big boy jobs and every place I work it’s the same story… ONE-PLY tissue paper. Companies always talk about investing in their employees. How about investing a couple extra bucks a month in TP so I don’t get cuts on my ass?

Schools aren’t getting a break from this either. As you can tell by my grammar, I’m a product of the public school system (poor kid I know). High School=Shitty Toilet Paper, Middle School=Shitty Toilet Paper, Elementary School= I can’t remember. Which I guess considering teachers get paid shit and were funded by the goverment, is understandable. But when I’m paying thousands a semester for college, I expect Charmin Fuckin’ Ultra.

I don’t ask for much. My health, family and friends, and some quality ass paper.

WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS: SHITTY TOILET PAPER

WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS:EXPRESS LANE ASSCLOWNS

Road rage (male)

Here at Fiasco everything isn’t always peachy. Not everything in our day-to-day lives makes us sappy; believe it, or not. Sometimes when life gives you lemons, you must then proceed to throw those little, fruity, citrus sons-of-bitches as hard as you can at the incompetent asshole who is currently riding your backside in the “HOV” lane. Ladies and gents’ I bring you, “What Grinds My Gears”.

Life has been great for me lately, no barkin from the dog, no smog. And yep, you guessed it, Mamma even cooked the breakfast with no hog. It was only a matter of time until something inevitably pushed me the wrong way. It was a beautiful morning here in “The H”. My daily routine was in full effect. I was a machine this morning. I woke up before my alarm,  found matching socks, had a killer cup of coffee from some guy named Joe, AND I knew something great was waiting for me. That mysterious something great is none other than the “HOV” lane herself. We all know her. She’s the girl that’s always there for you. The one who picks you up when your down. Your “ride or die”. I mean seriously, how can you not love the HOV lane? What kind of sick bastard would have that type of mindset? I’m not sure, but I sure as hell don’t want to meet ’em.

Pretty generous for society to create a driving lane solely for those who have high-occupancy vehicles. Pretty cool, man. I can dig it. No one likes to be discriminated against. The HOV lane is a prominent, mutually beneficial, asset to our daily lives. Oh, and if helping people get to work, successfully dumping Rugrats off at schoolhouses, and letting motorcycles have a safer drive isn’t cool enough… The HOV even lets people who are driving “solo-dolo” pay a small toll to take her for a spin too.

It’s extremely sad when something as the beautiful as the HOV lane gets taken advantage of. She only has one lane. Just one. It’s a magnificent lane, but there’s only ONE. If someone is in front of you in the HOV (which there is a good chance there is) there’s nothing you can do about it! Simple. Let me break this down… 99.99999% of the time, the car in front of you has someone in front of them, and they have someone in front of them, and they have someone in front of them; so on, and so forth. It’s gonna be okay Bub! Just take a quick glance through your passenger-side window and digest the atrocity that is “Rush Hour Traffic”. That shit makes me want to throw up. A bunch of impatient idiots in a hurry to get to a job they probably despise, with a boss they probably hate, and a salary they probably aren’t satisfied with. For my boy Pete’s sake, can y’all just take it easy?

But if you insist on driving like an asshole, please take that inconsiderate, impatient-ass, non-sense to the main lanes. You can’t sit with us. In all seriousness, this isn’t a damn video game you loser. Go hit the sticks, and smash some pizza rolls in your moms basement, (don’t forget the ranch). Nothing pisses me off more than when I’m enjoying a gorgeous morning with my girl HOV, and some Bozo comes flying up in my rear view just to ride my ass like a damn saddle-jockey. I won’t stand for it. I can’t, and I won’t. The HOV doesn’t deserve the disrespect and neither do we!

 

WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS:EXPRESS LANE ASSCLOWNS