ASTROS 5/2/2016

Thank the Lord Almighty, we won a series! For a second, I almost doubted these guys. We have been getting absolutely dominated in every game we’ve played lately. I mean we’ve been getting torched by EVERYONE. The real shitty part about this whole season so far is that there is no one to place them blame on. The entire fucking team blows. Apart from Altuve (El Jefe) our entire team has played like they have never touched the diamond before.  I know a scorching terd of record at (8-17) has left many Houstonians wondering if our city’s baseball team is gonna shit the bed just like the Rockets. But the beautiful thing about America’s past time is that it’s a long season.( 162 games to be exact)

The entire city of Houston is running around, freaking out, saying that last year was a fluke. Y’all need to calm your tits because our boy Dallas Keuchel is pitching tonight at the Juice Box,  versus a pretty lackluster squad in the Minnesota Twins. The twins really do suck. These guys piss me off. No one likes Minnesota and I’m sure there isn’t even a set of twins on the roster. Pretty shitty to false advertise like that, losers. Oh, and the Twins have started their season equally as crappy as we have. They have only won 7 out of 18 games so far. The difference between us and them is that we were expected to be really good, everyone already knew the Twins were gonna be an eye sore.

Dallas is gonna mow these guys down tonight. I think that we should dominate this series if he’s able to snag the W. I have a good feeling that Keuchel and his beard are going to remind everyone why he won the AL Cy Young award last year. A big outting from Keuchel could be just what this team needs to get their asses into full gear.

Tonight’s game info:

MIN@HOU

Location: Minute Maid Park

Time:7:10

Radio: 790

TV: RTSW

Advertisements
ASTROS 5/2/2016

TENNIS STAR FAILS DRUG TEST

 

wpid-maria-sharapova-hd-wallpaper

Via ESPN- Maria Sharapova announced Monday that she failed a drug test at the Australian Open in January.

She said she received a letter from the International Tennis Federation on Wednesday but has not yet found out what her penalty will be. The ITF confirmed the failed drug test and said Sharapova would be provisionally suspended until the case is finalized.

Okay, first of all Sharapova is a bonafide star. She has 5 Grand Slam titles which is only behind the Williams sisters (those freaks won’t be beat). Second, she’s a total babe. Maria “Smokeshow” Sharapova failed a drug test for taking Meldonium. So what the girl failed a measly drug test? When you’re hot, I say do whatever the hell you want.

Meldonium is a blood-flow-promoting drug banned because it helps oxygen uptake and endurance.

Hold up,  you’re telling me we got people beating the piss out of their girlfriend/boyfriend, dudes with Testosterone levels fit for a Rhino, and JFF poppin eardrums; and you wanna come at me with “Sharapova fails drug test”? Na, fuck that. Maria Sharapova does what she pleases. And Meldonium? Give me a break you bunch of sissies. I’m sure the people who decided Meldonium should be banned recycle mouthwash.  It would be different if the tennis hottie was rippin nose clams, or plunging a needle into her arm. But to help her blood-flow? Geeze. The poor girl is probably gonna lose all of her endorsements which would probably end her decorated career on a real shitty note. I mean a real shitty note. Like a note in middle school from your crush telling you to scram, or a note plastered to your door saying you’ve been evicted. But I think at the end of the day she’ll probably be okay.

Sharapova is super loaded, still an amazing athlete, and drop dead gorgeous. There are a few things in life I’m absolutely sure about. Without a shadow of doubt I know that cinnamon rolls rock, nose always goes, and Sharapova is the shit. I say let her live her life and let her flow her blood.

Image

THE ULTIMATE AMERICAN SHOW DOWN

With Super Tuesday now behind us, we can all relax because everything is going to be okay in America right? Right? Hell, who really knows? One side says the sky is blue and the other says it’s Sky Blue. One likes french fries and the other prefers tots. All I know is that we could have one hell of an American face off.

I can see it now. In the red corner we have professional asshole and insane businessman: Donaaaaald Trump. Annnnnnnnd in the blue corner we have habitual liar and obviously oblivious: Hilary Clintonnnn. This shit gets me going! This is more American than steroids and apple pie, people! This is like a fight to the death between a Bald Eagle and a Honey Badger.

The Donald Train will be chugging along crushing pilsners, throwing up walls and pissing off the entire world; in an attempt to make themselves seem like the ultimate kick-ass country again.  Meanwhile, Hilary nuts will be using the same amount of salt and pepper on their potatoes and making sure everyone has the same equal amount of beer regardless of if they got five on it or not. Donald is the high school bully who kicks the living piss out of a freshman for walking into to the varsity locker room. Hilary is the stinky girl in the back of the class who prefers not to shower because she feels bad for baths.

This is what America is made of. Regardless of which side you’re on, it’s time to strap in and get the jumbo popcorn. We got ourselves an All-American shit show.

THE ULTIMATE AMERICAN SHOW DOWN

WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS:EXPRESS LANE ASSCLOWNS

Road rage (male)

Here at Fiasco everything isn’t always peachy. Not everything in our day-to-day lives makes us sappy; believe it, or not. Sometimes when life gives you lemons, you must then proceed to throw those little, fruity, citrus sons-of-bitches as hard as you can at the incompetent asshole who is currently riding your backside in the “HOV” lane. Ladies and gents’ I bring you, “What Grinds My Gears”.

Life has been great for me lately, no barkin from the dog, no smog. And yep, you guessed it, Mamma even cooked the breakfast with no hog. It was only a matter of time until something inevitably pushed me the wrong way. It was a beautiful morning here in “The H”. My daily routine was in full effect. I was a machine this morning. I woke up before my alarm,  found matching socks, had a killer cup of coffee from some guy named Joe, AND I knew something great was waiting for me. That mysterious something great is none other than the “HOV” lane herself. We all know her. She’s the girl that’s always there for you. The one who picks you up when your down. Your “ride or die”. I mean seriously, how can you not love the HOV lane? What kind of sick bastard would have that type of mindset? I’m not sure, but I sure as hell don’t want to meet ’em.

Pretty generous for society to create a driving lane solely for those who have high-occupancy vehicles. Pretty cool, man. I can dig it. No one likes to be discriminated against. The HOV lane is a prominent, mutually beneficial, asset to our daily lives. Oh, and if helping people get to work, successfully dumping Rugrats off at schoolhouses, and letting motorcycles have a safer drive isn’t cool enough… The HOV even lets people who are driving “solo-dolo” pay a small toll to take her for a spin too.

It’s extremely sad when something as the beautiful as the HOV lane gets taken advantage of. She only has one lane. Just one. It’s a magnificent lane, but there’s only ONE. If someone is in front of you in the HOV (which there is a good chance there is) there’s nothing you can do about it! Simple. Let me break this down… 99.99999% of the time, the car in front of you has someone in front of them, and they have someone in front of them, and they have someone in front of them; so on, and so forth. It’s gonna be okay Bub! Just take a quick glance through your passenger-side window and digest the atrocity that is “Rush Hour Traffic”. That shit makes me want to throw up. A bunch of impatient idiots in a hurry to get to a job they probably despise, with a boss they probably hate, and a salary they probably aren’t satisfied with. For my boy Pete’s sake, can y’all just take it easy?

But if you insist on driving like an asshole, please take that inconsiderate, impatient-ass, non-sense to the main lanes. You can’t sit with us. In all seriousness, this isn’t a damn video game you loser. Go hit the sticks, and smash some pizza rolls in your moms basement, (don’t forget the ranch). Nothing pisses me off more than when I’m enjoying a gorgeous morning with my girl HOV, and some Bozo comes flying up in my rear view just to ride my ass like a damn saddle-jockey. I won’t stand for it. I can’t, and I won’t. The HOV doesn’t deserve the disrespect and neither do we!

 

WHAT GRINDS MY GEARS:EXPRESS LANE ASSCLOWNS

The Stro’s are Back, Again.

It’s about that time of year where football is almost over, basketball is about midway, and the beloved game of baseball is inching her way closer and closer into full gear. Now I personally have a weird obsession with all three of Americas “Big Three of Sports”. However, baseball is it for me. There’s just something about the nostalgia of cracking peanuts with some buddies (of which have been expired for several months), chugging $10 cups of Americas finest pilsners, and turning jumbo popcorn buckets into “Rally Caps” while you obnoxiously heckle the opposing team. Shit gets me pumped.

Now I know the city of Houston has not even acknowledged the fact that we have a Major League baseball team ever since when we shit the bed in ’05 against the White Sox. Which I completely understand. Baseball is a slow, precise, and delicate game. It’s hard to watch if you aren’t into it. But when your team is good… Oh man when your team is good, it’s something else. To recap: we used to have the Killer B’s, a kick-ass pitching staff including Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, and Roy-O; and we had a team that probably ate dinner every night together like Torreto, Brian O’Connor and the crew. It was beautiful.

Enough of the past. We quickly became one of the biggest shit shows in the league. A damn circus show. But that’s what happens when you have fat asses like Carlos Lee tip-toeing around in left-field, every light in the world had been flipped on for Brad “lights out” Lidge, and the entire team as a whole couldn’t hit water if they fell out of a freaking boat. We sucked, for a long time. I get it. It’s tough. But don’t you fear. The game of baseball is like finding a crisp twenty in your pockets. You think you’re fucking broke, but WAIT, could it be? I’m fucking rich! There’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Houstonians all around, I’m here to tell you… the STRO’S are back baby!

When Jim Crane bought the Astro’s in 2011 he appointed a crazy bastard named Jeff Lunhow as the teams GM. The guy’s is a bloody genius. Before baseball, Lunhow had a plethora of jobs. He was an engineer, management consultant, and a technology entrepreneur. Lunhow has a way with numbers, to say the least. Most people have seen the movie Moneyball. If not, basically a guy took a shit team and invested all of it’s money into strategic planning and data-analysis. He fired everyone and put a lot of inference on the teams farm system to develop young prospects. This team eventually balled out. Jeff Lunhow and his Astros wanted to do the same thing. People thought we were out of are fucking minds. In 2013 we had the lowest payroll in all of baseball at $27 Million. Anyone we had that showed even the slightest amount of talent got kicked to the curb. We traded away EVERYONE. We were supposed to be several years out from any chance of success. After all we had a hot, steamy dump of a record at (51-111) in 2013. However, things seem to be way ahead of schedule!

In 2014 we had achieved 19 more wins than the previous season. That wasn’t enough to grab the city of Houston’s attention though. Then, last season happened. We soon realized we had a few young stars. Dallas Keuchel was the face of our pitching staff. He had a record of 20-8, an ERA of just 2.48, a whopping 216 strike outs, and he was the starting pitcher for the American League during the All-Star Game. Oh, the guy has a beard only Houston is worthy of too.

Not only did we realize we had one of the best pitchers in baseball, we soon discovered what a freak-of-nature Carlos Correa is. The Astros drafted Correa first overall in 2012. The guy was 17 years old from Puerto Rico. 17 freaking years old. Around this time I was probably causing all sorts of trouble, pulling “Hey Mister’s?”, and showing up to practice late because I wanted an “afternoon quicky” from my broad. Meanwhile, this guy was being selected numero uno in the MLB draft. Carlos finished his rookie year with a .279 batting average, spanked 22 homers, and drove in 68 RBI’s. He also took home the “American League Rookie of the Year” award. Most of this was done before the kid could legally crack a cold one. Shit’s wild man.

Along with Keuchel and Correa we now have a team that is stacked at every position. Last year we finished off by losing to the Kansas City Royals and World Series champs in the playoffs. We took the season as a success. But we knew we needed a real closer in order to have a real shot at winning it all. We needed to get someone who could throw harder than my Mimi to close out games for us. Of course, Lunhow was on it. He brought in the flame-throwing closer from Philadelphia, Ken Giles. Giles was 15 for 20 in save opportunities during the 2015 season. He also had an ERA of 1.80, and punched out 87 batters in just 70 innings.

With Spring Training just around the corner, Houstonian’s and “Crush City” have a lot to be excited about. My gut is telling me that “this is the year”. This is the year we dominate the league and parade throughout the beautiful streets of Houston. All because are team is simply better than yours.  Well, on second thought, I might just need to take a dump. Na, fuck that. The STRO’S are back baby!

The Stro’s are Back, Again.