Official Texans Schedule Released

Day Date Opponent TV Network Kickoff Time
Sunday Sept. 11 CHICAGO BEARS FOX Noon
Thursday Sept. 22 at New England Patriots CBS/NFLN/Twitter 7:25 p.m.
Sunday Oct. 9 at Minnesota Vikings CBS Noon
Sunday Oct. 16 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS NBC 7:30 p.m.
Monday Oct. 24 at Denver Broncos ESPN 7:30 p.m.
Sunday Oct. 30 DETROIT LIONS FOX Noon
Sunday Nov. 13 at Jacksonville Jaguars CBS Noon
Monday Nov. 21 at Oakland Raiders ESPN 7:30 p.m.
Sunday Dec. 4 at Green Bay Packers CBS Noon
Sunday Dec. 11 at Indianapolis Colts CBS Noon
Saturday Dec. 24 CINCINNATI BENGALS NFLN 7:25 p.m.
Sunday Jan. 1 at Tennessee Titans CBS Noon

Early Thoughts

2 MNF games, a Sunday night, Thursday night, and Saturday night game? PRIMETIME! Haven’t seen this many opportunities to choke on national television since 2012. JJ Watt is already getting his post game trash talk scripts prepared to gain even more exposure. I have no idea what a game on Twitter means but I LOVE IT. Now let’s break it down.

Week 1- Chicago Bears

Season opener at NRG against the lowly Bears? LOVE IT. What immediately caught my eyes is that it’s airing on FOX so we will probably end up fucked listening to Joe Buck. I will go ahead and chalk this one in as a W. Watt 2 sacks, Clowney sack, Osweiler 2 TD’s, Lamar Miller 1 TD, NUK 1 TD.

Record: 1-0.

Week 2- Kansas City Chiefs

Without Brian Hoyer completely shitting his pants and Bill O’Brien forgetting how to coach, there is no way we lose our playoff game 30-0. Hoyer is replaced and hopefully all packages with JJ Watt in at running back are thrown out with Lamar Miller in the backfield. With the new offense having only 1 week of experience together as a unit, we probably lose in a close defensive battle.


Record: 1-1

Week 3- At New England Patriots

Foxborough, Bill Bellicheck, Tom Brady, Texans Lose are all synonymous. It is a Thursday night game airing on Twitter and I have no idea what that means, but it sounds ELECTRIC. Again, I don’t think the offense will have enough experience together yet to take down the Pats in Foxborough. Probably a 2 score game. Primetime 0-1.

Record: 1-2

Week 4- Tennessee Titans

The Titans just traded the first overall pick for a reason, they have an EXTREME lack of talent on the roster. Easy win. Offense really starts to take shape and build confidence after kicking some Titan teeth in.

Record: 2-2

Week 5- AT Minnesota Vikings

Vikings won last year by playing sound football. I personally don’t think they can play sound football better than us. Teddy in his second year appeared to be more of a game manager rather than a game changer. AP, although inhuman, is a year older. I have no idea if US Bank Stadium will be open next year, but regardless playing in Minnesota in October is a hell of a lot better than January.

Record: 3-2

Week 6- Indianapolis Colts

Say what you want about Andrew Luck, take him and the receivers away from this team and they might be the LEAST talented roster in the NFL. God I love playing in the AFC South. I think we finally got over the hump when it comes to beating the Colts last year. NRG should be hyped. Count it. PRIMETIME 1-1.

Record: 4-2

Week 7- At Denver Broncos

This is a game for Brock to prove what he is all about. If he goes in and balls against the best defense in the NFL/his former team… all aboard the Brock train. Although I have no idea who is playing the most important position for them, I will give them the respect they deserve as the defending Super Bowl Champs AT home. Close game but, LOSS. PRIMETIME 1-2.

Record: 4-3

Week 8- Detroit Lions

Do I really need to explain myself on this one. Not that Calvin was a world beater last year, but who is going to generate offense for them? Texans at home, Lions suck. Easy win. Blowout.

Record: 5-3

Week 9- BYE WEEK

I think entering the bye at 5-3 would be great. The bye lies perfectly in the middle of the regular season. Hopefully we can use it to rest players accordingly and not to figure out our identity as a team like last year.

Record: 5-3

Week 10- AT Jacksonville Jaguars

Jags have talent. They basically have TWO top 5 draft picks playing next season and a very talented offense. Bortles, Robinson, Hurns, Thomas, Yeldon, and now Chris Ivory. I believe they will be our biggest threat to win the division. Although it is an away game I feel we will be fresh and revitalized after the bye.


Week 11- AT Oakland Raiders (Mexico)

Viva La Mexicoooooo!!! Thankfully this is not counting as a home game.  Supposedly Mexicos favorite team is the Raiders (shocker). Elevation is worse than Denver, Oakland’s team is the real deal. Carr, who might have the best O line in the legue, is coming for his brothers revenge. Raiders win a close one. PRIMETIME Record. 1-3

Record: 6-4

Week 12- San Diego Chargers

Your team is a joke and this is the last year you will see them play. Easy dub. Oh and Phillip Rivers is a loser, buttt he does have a ton of sex so props for that.

Record: 7-4

Week 13- AT Green Bay Packers

As much as it pains me to quote a loser like Stephen A. Smith, I have to say it. Aaron Rodgers is a baaaad man. With farmer Jordy back I expect them to get the win.

Record: 7-5

Week 14- AT Indianapolis Colts

The curse may be over, but Lucas Oil is still a very tough place to play. Indy will be in the mix at this point. Not to mention the Indy team will have so many grit coins at this point in the season. But they still suck. Get that leg ready Pat, gonna be a lot of punts.


Week 15- Jacksonville Jaguars

Jacksonville is a good team, but they are not ready to take the division yet.

Record: 9-5

Week 16- Cincinnati Bengals 

Cinci SHOULD be bitter considering we handed them their first loss last season. Andy Dalton should be butthurt after reviewing the lame Red Rifle comment from JJ. Plus they got eliminated from playoffs basically because Pacman and Vontaze are insane. Bengals have talent. We lose a close one.


Week 17- AT Tennessee Titans

Titans still suck and have nothing to play for week 17. Perfect 6-0 in the division.

Record: 10-6…l good enough.


Official Texans Schedule Released

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