Prelude: I have been diehard Texans fan since inception. I sit and watch patiently while we shit the bed year after year due to our negligence to bring in a competent QB. Contrary to popular belief, my least favorite Texan=JJ Watt. I know I will get a ton of shit for talking down on the beloved poster child of Houston by the 5 people subscribed to our blog and 28 Twitter followers, but sit back, get comfortable, and get those reading glasses out cause this is about to be long and ugly.
Ever since JJ Watt’s breakout season in 2012, he has been a fucking tool for the media to leach onto. “A good looking white guy whose PR guy publicizes every time he thinks of making the world a better place? Let’s make him the face of the NFL!” People in Houston hang on his every word, move, action, he says and does. Can’t say I necessarily blame them. He’s the greatest athlete this town has ever seen. He has a chance to be the greatest defensive player in NFL history, and it’s cool that we as Houstonians are able to witness this up close.
BUT HIS ACTIONS ARE SO FUCKING LAME. He is such a try hard and is trying to be your grandmothers favorite player. He does everything possible to look like America’s Sweetheart when the camera is on him. Now that is fine and dandy for wanting people to like you. Can’t hate him for that. But it comes off phony and is shoved down our throats. You are a defensive lineman. Not a politician. So without further adieu, here are examples of why JJ Watt is the biggest hardo in the game (if you are reading this El Pres, hire me).
What better way to start than showing his evolution into MEGA TOOL over a two year span in the form of Sound FX Mic’d Ups. This first clip features JJ Mic’d against the Baltimore Ravens in 2012.
Shoutout Barwin, miss that guy. Now let’s fast forward 2 years later where JJ is Mic’d up in a DOMINATING performance vs. the Tennessee Titans.
“Grab some popcorn, maybe some jujubes, a slushy, Sno-Caps perhaps, maybe some Sno-Caps, I don’t know” 1. Jujubes and Sno-Caps are easily the worst two candies available for purchase at a movie theatre next to Junior Mints. Only a person from Wisconsin would eat Jujubes and Sno-Caps. Get some fucking Reeses Pieces or Buncha Crunch like a normal person you over sized freak. But you can’t tell me that this isn’t a totally different guy than what you saw on the field in 2012. Relatively friendly, humble player who has to be CONVINCED by Barwin to talk preconceived shit to a 5’8″ running back Vs. an over-the-top, outspoken, asshole. Don’t think I’m not a fan of a good shit talker either, this is purely pointing out the transformation of the personality. Peep the Mic’d Up against the Saints from the 2016 season to see how Watt has stepped up his game as a shit talker (sorta).
The Titans Mic’d up perfectly transitions me into his selfie beef with Mettenberger. Why the hell are you picking a fight with a rookie, 4th round pick, back-up QB ? Mett took a snapchat and sent it to his friends. He didn’t directly post it online for the world to see. And you still couldn’t let it go a year later even after the poor guys career was in shambles. Meanwhile, you post more selfies on Instagram than most guys take in a year.
Lettin’ the ladies check out the sweet tat.
Probably wearing an i love boobies! bracelet…
Blue Steel. Fierce, yet sexy.
Jaw clinch, bicep flex, and crossed arms pose? Classic.
Cowboy hat with the go-to Jaw Clinch, LOVE IT!
Why God does he support my favorite hockey team?
Not a selfie, but this is vomit inducing.
When I heard the Houston Texans would be featured on Hard Knocks I was ecstatic. I was a Huge fan of our season. HUGE. It made me feel like our 9-7 team with no quarterback was going to win a Super Bowl. Tons of great moments and personalities came out of it too. O’Brien-STAR. Vrabel-STAR. Wilfork-STAR. Khari Lee- STAR. Charles James- Annoyed the shit out of me, but STAR. NUK-STAR. Watt-Embarrassing. Was anything worse than him singing Fort Minor? Not just as in the show, but like ever? The song came out in 2005, which forms the picture of a 16 year old JJ Watt who just got his license, riding around his high school parking lot with the windows down on his Jacked-Up F-150 singing “50% luck, 20% skill.”
Other cringe-worthy hard-knock moments…
- Him cussing in the third episode after he heard how much people loved O’Brien and Vrabel for dropping the f bomb every third sentence.
- Staying after a bad TEAM practice to look like a badass
- The pitiful Chris Farley impression. Poor guy is probably rolling in his grave.
On the field:
- This was 1000% scripted in front of his mirror all week leading up to the game. “Hey bro, how cool would it be if we beat the Bengals, and I make fun of Andy Dalton for being a ginger?” If you have read this far and watched all the material, recall back to the Ravens Mic’d up when Barwin asks him if he told Rice the burrito line yet. Confirmation that he definitely has brainstorm sessions when it comes to trash talk.
- How he always celebrates when he has individual success as we are getting shmacked. Can’t find video evidence for this, but unless you don’t watch Texans games, or your oblivious, you should know he never turns down a chance to get a good celly in.
- The way Mark Vandermeer (Texans play by play guy) says his name….J…..J……WATT. Not Watt’s fault, but it still annoys the hell out of me.
- The fact that his theme song is “Turn Down For What” by Lil’ Jon….Lil’ Jon has been irrelevent since 2004. There is no reason I should have to hear this guy through my TV or at the game every Sunday. As a season ticket holder (yeah I’m showing off) you get to see things others don’t. Every time they play this damn song, JJ is the only person on the field getting pumped. Maybe it’s because the ten other dudes on the field stopped listening to Lil’ Jon after the early 2000s ATL rap phase died, or maybe it’s because they also hate Watt’s guts and how literally everything is centered around him. You decide.
Off the field:
- The fact that he doesn’t have a girlfriend because he is so dedicated to football…
“I obviously would love to have a girlfriend but a girlfriend deserves so much of your time and energy,” Watt said. “And she deserves to be treated like a princess because that’s how you should treat your girls. And if I can’t give them that time and that devotion because of my dedication to football, then I don’t feel like I should almost waste their time.”
Actually that whole quote in general.
- The time that he stopped at a pee wee football practice on his way home to deliver a motivational speech to a bunch of 6 year olds.
- When he fake tackled the guy who rushed the stage at The Zac Brown Band concert.
- When he said he googled what rich people buy….
“I Googled “What do rich people buy? Because I don’t feel like a rich person, and I don’t really try to act like a rich person, so I don’t know what they buy. I didn’t really like the stuff I saw, so I’m gonna stick with my humble lifestyle and just keep working out.”
Every time I touch $100 dollars that shit goes down the drain. How long until he tells us he has spent most of his money on pre-workout and protein?
Conclusion: I know my opinion is not with the majority, it’s just my opinion and I know there are at least a few others who follow the team as closely as I do who feel the same way. This probably means I will never be able to kick it with my boy NUK again (I was one of the I’m sure many white guys who walked up to you at Cle after the Chiefs playoff game and tried to dap you up. You decided I was only worthy of a fist bump. I’ll take it.) Nor will I be able to hang out with any of the other Texans players for that matter once I make it big time. I will forever be known as the guy who hates JJ Watt. At the end of the day I know JJ is a nice guy who means well, and I am glad to have him on my team for the sole purpose that he single handedly fucks shit up and controls a game. But I can’t distinguish what is real and what’s not. No one is that perfect. It’s okay to fuck Lindsey Pelas. And if you are reading this JJ (which is a possibility because I feel like you google yourself a lot), I love you every Sunday and occasional Thursday and Monday if it makes you feel better.