Every week I will start writing a synopsis/movie review on the site. So without further adieu, I present to you the very first “Popcorn and Coke Icees: A Sports Fiasco Movie Review” on Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu’s The Revenant…
Before I start on this review/full movie breakdown (SPOILERS AHEAD) I want to state that it’s insane the shit they made Leo do to win an Oscar (he better fucking win). Psycho director Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu made Leo freeze his balls off in three different remote locations where there’s no human life, let alone any strange for him to slay. However, when Leo finally raises his hand in triumph with the Oscar, 6 months of punching the clown will all be worth it.
The movie starts off strong with an attack by a Native American tribe at the American camp where Leo, Hardy, and crew are collecting beaver pelts. We learn after the battle that the tribe is in search of the leader’s daughter and they will do anything to find her on some Liam Neeson Taken shit. Arrows are flying everywhere and blood is spilt, it’s exhilarating to say the least. Hugh Glass, played by DiCaprio, directs what we learn to be his mugblood Native American son to head towards the ship.
About ten Americans, including Glass, his half Native American son Hawk, expedition leader Andrew Henry, Bridger AKA the kid who made out with Jennifer Anniston in We’re The Millers, and John Fitgerald, who is played by Tom Hardy, escape to the boat and begin traveling down the river. Expedition leader Henry wants to return to the camp where they will be safe and he asks Glass, a connoisseur of the area, the best way to do so. Glass suggests they should abandon the boat and travel by foot because they will eventually be tracked and killed by the Native Americans if they remain on the boat. Respecting his knowledge of the area, Henry agrees with Glass much to Fitzgerald’s disapproval since they will have to leave the pelts AKA his money for the trip behind.
*Side note I could not understand a fucking word that came out of Tom Hardy’s mouth for the first 15 minutes of the movie. Great actor, but his accents are always way overboard (ex. Warrior, Lawless).
Fitzgerald, the antagonist of the story, acts like a McAsshole throughout the process. Glass who was probably just trying to get some alone time since Fitzgerald wouldn’t quit bitching ventures off in the woods and is attacked by a bear. I will admit if you just hear “Leo in The Revenant was attacked by a bear and lived” you would be like shut the fuck up that is unrealistic, but Inarritu did a good job of making the attack brutal and gory, yet plausible and realistic to live through at the same time.
The bear attack obviously puts Leo in some shit shape and the crew has to carry him on a gurnee. Sooner or later they reach a hill and it appears evident that it will be too difficult of a task to carry Glass the remainder of the trip. Henry decides to offer $100 to whoever stays behind with Glass until his death, or until he regains enough strength to walk on his own. His son Hawk obviously volunteers and Bridger does as well. Both kids offer their $100 to whatever grown up stays behind with them. Fitzgerald, who is still pissed about not getting paid for the beaver pelts, sees his opportunity to get paid for what he deems a worthless expedition so far and he volunteers to stay with the boys. After everyone else leaves them behind and heads for camp, a brutal scene occurs when Fitzgerald removes his bandana and we see half his head has been scalped. Bridgers asks him about this at the same time he is etching a spiral on a canteen that he is making for Glass. Sounds like nails on a chalkboard bad, the excruciating sound shows you how brutal the Native Americans are, while also making sure you remember the scene as the canteen comes into play later in the movie.
Eventually Fitzgerald, being the asshole he is, gets tired of waiting around for Glass to die and he approaches Glass saying he will take him out of his misery and kill him if he just blinks. Glass with every ounce of fight in his body tries not to blink, but eventually his eyelids shut. He begins to strangle Glass when Hawk returns to camp. Hawk runs up and attempts to remove Fitzgerald from his father. Glass, watching helplessly, sees his son, the one thing he cares about in this world, get stabbed and killed by Fitzgerald. Bridgers walks back clueless like “Where is Hawk?” and eventually falls asleep. Then he is woken up by Fitzgerald abruptly saying he saw the Natives by the creek and they need to leave now. Bridgers asks what about giving Glass the proper burial they said they would give him and Fitzgerald decides dragging Glasses living body to the premature grave he dug for him will work great. He kicks some dirt over him and they run off.
Bridgers, slowly realizing what Fitzgerald just did was shady as fuck, is speaking with Fitzgerald and realizes that initially Fitzgerald said there were 20 natives and now his story retracted to a dozen. He calls him out and puts a gun to him and then Fitzgerald makes him look like a bitch and snatches it out of his hands. EVERYONE in this movie had some kickass beards by the way except Bridger’s, who was rocking the equivalent of a Adam Morrison moustache in middle school. Meanwhile, during all of this Glass literally rises from the dead is now a man on a mission, and that mission is to kill Fitzgerald.
Now, entering the bulk of the movie, Glass is slowly regaining his strength and is on his quest for vengeance. Along the way, he sees a Native American man solo eating a buffalo. He crawls up to the man and begs to eat with him. The man, whose family was also murdered, takes him under his wing and assists him in healing. He mentions the most important quote of the movie that “vengeance is in god’s hands.” They become friends and during an epic snow storm he builds Glass a fort to nest in and stay warm. When the storm ends and Glass awakes, and he symbolically “rises from the dead” again and exits the fort to see his newly formed Native American friend hung from a tree with some French words on a sign. To quote the wise Lloyd Christmas from Dumb And Dumber, “The French are assholes.” Glass goes prone and sneaks his way up to the French people where he finds one of the men raping a Native American chick. He saves her life, steals a horse from the French and rides off swiftly, but accidentally drops his spiral canteen that Bridgers made for him as he rides off.
Fitzgerald and Bridgers eventually make it back to camp. They meet with Henry and tell him a fake story of how Glass died a peaceful death and that they even built him a cross. Henry pays Fitzgerald his $300 and he even tries to pay Bridgers some additional cash, but he refuses as he feels guilty for burying a man alive. Glass, now on a horse, is riding back to camp, until the Native Anerican’s give him a rude awakening and begin to chase him. Glass barely escapes by riding his horse off a cliff. He then takes refuge inside the dead horses’ carcass to stay warm, as another storm is approaching.
Back at the camp, a Frenchman arrives begging for food and shelter as all of his fellow men have been murdered by the ruthless natives. He gives the Americans everything he has left as payment to stay, which includes the canteen with the spiral that Glass dropped earlier. Bridger and Henry see this and thinking he may still be alive, Henry grabs some men and they go out looking, eventually finding Glass beat to shit. Glass and Henry get back to camp and Henry proceeds to beat poor Bridgers ass with the butt of his gun threatening death and prison. Glass tells him it’s not his fault and that it was all Fitzgerald. They look for Fitzgerald at camp, however he is long gone as he stole the remaining money in Henry’s safe and made a run for it to Texas (YEE-HAW).
Glass gets a good meal in, washes up and Henry and him go out to find, and kill Fitzgerald. They locate his tracks and split up, and of course Fitzgerald kills Henry. Glass hears the gun shot and knows that ole’ Fitzy is close by. He goes to Henry’s body and pulls the ultimate G move. He props up Henry’s dead body Glass’s horse with a stick, and plays dead on Henry’s trailing horse. Fitzgerald sees him from a distance and shoots what he thinks is Glass, but is really Henry’s dead body. When he comes to observe his kill, Glass jumps off the back horse and the battle begins. They each take some gruesome blows. Fitzgerald has a knife, Glass has a mini axe. Fingers are lost, hands are stabbed and eventually, Glass has him ready for the kill, when he looks up and sees the Native American man who has caused havoc throughout the flick. Beside him is the woman Glass saved from the Frenchman. He remembers the quote his friend told him that “vengeance is in the hands of god” and he decides not to kill Fitzgerald and instead, throws him in the river. Fitzgerald floats to the Native American man and he kills him. The Native American’s ride past Glass, granting him life and the credits role.
I like every movie Leo has ever done, I mean how could you not? Personally I was not the biggest fan of Birdman like most others, so I was a little hesitant of where Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu was going to go with this, but it turned out great. Yeah parts were slow, but the vision and symbolism was perfectly portrayed throughout the movie. Religion, reincarnation, etc. were all easily evident even for a dumbass like myself. Leo WILL win the Oscar. Although he did not speak much at all throughout the movie. His actions said it all.
Movie Rating: 9/10
Considering it will probably win Best Picture at The Academy Awards, this movie is a must watch.