Been off the wagon for a little while but since football is back, I’m back. Week 1 always sucks. No one knows how good the teams really are and Vegas sets some sneaky lines. But does that stop degenerates? Nope. Can’t stop, won’t stop. So here is easy money picks (lines off Bovada):
Chicago at Houston (-6.5) O/U 44
-6.5?? I’m not trying to be a “homer” but if this game was to be played in December, the line would be at -12 HOU. The Texans offense is unproven but at this point, it is way better than last year. Plus, the defense will have JJ back along with Clowney, who has been looking like a freak lately. Cutler might get sacked over 5 times. Take Houston -6.5.
Oakland (+1) at New Orleans O/U 51
Not sure why people are high on the Saints this year. I understand Brees is still Brees but they have the worst o-line in the league. Poor guy won’t make all 16 games. The Saints defense also stinks and who is going to stop Amari Cooper/Latavius Murray? This game will get ugly. Take Oakland +1
Detroit at Indianapolis (-4.5) O/U 51
I’m going to forget what happened last year with the Colts. Yeah, they have a 65 year old Frank Gore in the backfield and a defense that shouldn’t scare anyone. But they do have a healthy Luck paired with Moncrief/Hilton. Not as confident on this game because the Lions did do well at the end of last season, but I do believe the Colts to win by at least a touchdown. Take Colts -4.5
Green Bay at Jacksonville (+6) O/U 48
The Jags are still the Jags. They haven’t had a winning recorded since 2007 but it looks like this year they have a chance to steal the show. Surprised this game is +6 at Jacksonville because the Jaguars always sell out and have a packed crowd (If they don’t, just add more tarp. Old trick). But they are playing Aaron Rodgers and the Packers will be a playoff team. The Packers will win the game but I see the Jaguars keeping it close. Take Jacksonville +6.
God my pants get tighter every time I watch old man Ryan put Robin Ventura into a head lock and go to town. Hands down, my favorite sports fight of all time. From the wise words of a gay thug from Baltimore, “Come at the King, you best not miss” and damn, did he miss. Robin, who had just turned 26 and coming off a All-Star and Golden Glove season, must have thought the old geezer on the mound was easy pickings. I mean Nolan Ryan was 46 at the time. FORTY-SIX. But that’s old man strength for ya. Never under estimate old man strength. One second you think your going to whoop a hall of famer’s ass and the next, you’re googling yourself 23 years later just to find the first 10 hits are of you getting beat to a pulp.
P.S- I guess Nolan ended up at the bottom of the pile and was being stomped on. Out of all people, Bo Jackson was the one who picked him up and saved him. Jesus, Bo can do anything.
“All I remember is that I couldn’t breathe,” says Ryan. “I thought I was going to black out and die, when all of a sudden I see two big arms tossing bodies off of me. It was Bo Jackson. He had come to my rescue, and I’m awful glad he did, because I was about to pass out. I called him that night and thanked him.”
Score- On Tuesday, Clowney opened KURE Columbia Vaporium and Lounge, a vape bar where patrons can come for all their vaping needs. “Really I got into this because of my mom, who was a smoker,” Clowney told Roddie Burris of The State at his grand opening. “But actually I wanted to try something outside of football and see how it goes on the business end. I chose Columbia because I’ve been here, I know what type of people are here, and I said nothing’s better than Columbia. I didn’t know how long I’ll be in Houston.”
Wowwwww. Now I know in the article Clowney says he doesn’t vape, but that’s basically like telling your mom you don’t drink in high school. Both parties know its not the truth, but ignorance is bliss am I right? Can’t have Billy O and Vrabel riding him too hard. Just imagine the rips Clowney takes off that new Vapor Shark DNA200 though! Probably comparable to a Michael Phelps size bong rip.
On a serious note Clowney is about to have a MASSIVE year. Guys doing yoga, acupuncture and laid down the cigs for the vape life. With a little extra smoke up his ass, Clowney plays 14-16 games and racks up 15 plus sacks.
I’m just ready for Clowney to bring Cushing and the rest of the bros to the grand opening so they can vape these losers into an early grave.
We are the Vapers of the Houston Texans. WE ARE BULLS ON PARADE!
via Chris Wesseling of NFL.com “Andre Johnson is back in the news for the first time since his release by the Indianapolis Colts in February. The 35-year-old wide receiver visited the Tennessee Titans on Tuesday, NFL Media Insider Ian Rapoport reported, via a source informed of Johnson’s whereabouts. No signing is imminent, per Rapoport, as the two sides are simply feeling each other out at this point. It’s fair to wonder if the Titans are bringing the veteran in to light a fire under enigmatic second-year receiver Dorial Green-Beckham, who has struggled to master the playbook and remain in football shape. Johnson lost a few steps last season, failing to separate from opposing cornerbacks while falling behind Donte Moncrief on the Colts’ depth chart. Absent special teams experience, the seven-time Pro Bowler will have a hard time fulfilling his vow to continue his storied NFL career in 2016.”
Pretty heartbroken that it has come to this. First the Colts and now the Titans. How much more can a loyal Dre fan take? Some seem to have forgotten, but before all you obsessed JJ Watt nerds came around there was only one player on the whole Texans roster who deserved to even throw on a jock strap, I mean helmet, on Sunday’s. I looked up to Andre throughout my whole athletic prime (I peaked in high school) and my most memorable moment in sports is the shmack down he laid on that small ginger Finnegan. “Don’t get frustrated. You know ima tear that ass up. You know that.” I watched greatness from Andre for 10 plus years, so when the guy tells me he can still produce goddammit I got to believe him. No matter what AFC South team he decides to play for next, I’ll always be a part of #Team80.
P.S. Chris Wesslinger, or whichever junior writer wrote the special teams joke for you, get ready to catch these fuckin hands if you see me on the street. So in the words of the always pleasantly spoken Allen Iverson”I don’t know any franchise players that play special teams. I don’t know any 7 time pro bowlers that play special teams. I don’t know any two time 1st team All-Pro’s that play special teams. I don’t know any future Hall Of Famer that play special teams. Why Andre Johnson?”
“We all love the Astros. We all know Carlos Gomez is a huge bust. Let’s pay him to leave our beloved team and city. Let’s buy out his contract and send him on his way. We can make room for quality players looking to make an impact. Our management doesn’t seem to want to budge on benching Gomez and the only reason I can think of is because they are just paying him too much. Let’s ease that stress for them by buying him out and sending him on his merry way.”
This pains me to write, but it must be done. I want to like Carlos Gomez so much. His swag, cockiness, and goofy voice scream superstar. But at the end of the day I’m about results, which is why I love JJ Watt despite him being the biggest nerd of all-time. Gomez is batting.200 and his home run to lost helmet on huge cut ratio is roughly 1:20 (IDK I’m not a stat guy). Fukerz gotz to gooo!
Update: Only $8,999,940 away. I would donate but the way my bank account is set up…
What’s up haters? So my guy may have lost a little weight. And yeah he may have a couple of screws loose under that electric haircut of his too. You try partying all night without the occasional line of cocaine. It was the offseason of sex, drugs, and rock & roll, but he’s back focused now. 20 days sober and ready for that epic comeback he’s been telling us about for months.
You see, unlike the rest of you wishy washy Manziel fans leaving negative comments on his IG, I’m an Aggie. And when you’re an Aggie, you’re an Aggie for life. Aggies help Aggies, which is why I am calling out Gary Kubiak. Manziel is sober and ready to roll just in time for training camp. He could also really benefit medically from some of that legal pot you guys got in Colorado. It’s time to prove that you respect the Aggie traditions and give Manziel another chance. Thanks and Gig’ Em.
P.S. If Aggies are no longer helping Aggies I vote for the next rule change allow us to sit during football games. Also, I will cool it on the Johnny/ A&M blogs once you recruit someone as electric as Johnny fucking football.
Via ESPN- “COLLEGE STATION, Texas — It turns out that the only thing harder to catch on Kyle Field than Christian Kirk is Hitmonlee – and more than 1,600 people showed up on Wednesday to try. Texas A&M football’s home field became one of the latest places to get swept up in the Pokemon Go craze, as a whopping 1,604 smartphone-wielding fans used the increasingly popular app to hunt Pokemon for two hours on the same grounds where Myles Garrett hunts quarterbacks. In a less-than-24-hour turnaround, the school decided on Tuesday evening to open up the SEC’s largest stadium to the public, posting notices on Twitter and other social media promoting the event, and people of all ages flocked to the facility for a chance to not only catch Pokemon but to experience walking inside Kyle Field, which was completely redeveloped prior to the 2015 season and seats 102,733.”
It’s a great day to be an Aggie. The football opener is 50 days away, Manziel has been sober for 14 days, and the faculty is embracing Pokemon Go as the 4th biggest sport in America. Not surprising at all that one of the best college football stadiums in America has a Pokemon as rare as Hitmonlee chillin on the 50 yard line. Also not surprising that we set the precedent for other college football programs to follow. Roll with the winners.
P.S. Working with a bunch of old people, I’ve taken a bunch of shit the past couple of days about my Pokemon Go endeavors. It seems us millennials will never be able to please our elders. “Get outside more” they said. Well, I’m outside more now than ever yet I get looked at like I’m fucking Hitler when I’m trying to catch Eevee’s in public. I think the real problem here is that we are starting to intrude on the old people’s territory. I took a walk around the park yesterday, which before Pokemon Go was the definitely most old person shit you could do.